1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
