he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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