At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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