Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
