I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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