YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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