Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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