Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
