pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
