he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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