My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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