If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
