You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
