I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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