Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
