I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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