nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm jealous of your bromance
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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