finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
