I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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