They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
