I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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