I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
