idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Fuck appropriateness.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
