I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
