I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
