I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
