I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
