we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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