To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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