He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
