dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
