Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
