My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
