Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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