i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
