i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She even gives head with a lisp.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
