I could make wine with my vomit
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
