Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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