the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
