I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
