how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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