the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
