@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
