At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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