I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
