My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
