He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
