I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
