I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
