the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
